in light of recent events
by Emmel1118
Summary: She hates him. [...] and yet her traitor heart skips a beat when he says that he loves her, still, despite everything, even though her head is screaming liar, liar, liar! - oneshot, Cara-centric


_in light of recent events_

 _give it up, you've been discovered,  
_ _don't look back 'cause you just lost your lover,_

smoke and mirrors, paloma faith

* * *

She hates him.

In that moment she hates him more than she has ever hated anyone or anything before.

She can't look at him without feeling sick, without feeling like her chest will explode.

She gave him her heart all those years ago, and he clearly has lost all respect for her - clearly doesn't give a damn about her, because if he did, why would he look elsewhere, why would there be a woman in a cubicle holding a child who is her husband's son?

(and yet her traitor heart skips a beat when he says that he loves her, still; despite everything, even though her head is screaming liar, liar, liar!)

...

When he proposed, they were on holiday in Spain. She'd just got a new job, he'd just got a promotion from work. The future looked bright.

They were on the beach.

Cara can remember every moment, her breath catching in her throat as the memories, vivid and violent, hit her as she sits with her knees drawn up to her chin, sitting her bedroom, her back hitting the wooden bed frame.

They were holding hands, watching the sunset. His face was lit up by a smile and she had never seen a man so handsome as him at that moment. She knew she loved him then, had known for a long time - probably from the moment they met.

He stopped her to watch the sun sinking in the sky. Then he got down on one knee-

She can't bare it anymore. The tears are unavoidable now, the memory far too big, far too painful to remember now, in light of recent events. She cries for lost love, for hearts betrayed - for trusting a man who broke her heart.

He told her he loved her, the soft Spanish light casting a glow over them. He told her he always would and she believed him.

Now, she wishes she hadn't, because it hurts so much. It hurts so much because she loves him and this was how he treated her, with casual disdain - as if he can play with their marriage, with her, as if none of it matters.

As if he thinks that won't care that he slept with someone else, as if he thinks she won't hurt and fall apart and break, because she clearly wasn't enough for him.

...

She fantasised about a future for them.

Two kids, maybe more - a nice house in a nice area. A stable job for both of them.

A life where she woke up every morning with him beside her - a life where saying 'I love you' was normal and not some plea for forgiveness.

Not a life where she wakes up every morning alone, with a half empty cold bed and silence for company.

Not a life where another woman is the mother of her husband's son, his first child. A life where she can't stand the sight of him because she loves him and he betrayed her.

Everything she thought she knew, everything she holds dear is up in the air, and it flutters slowly back to the ground, piece by broken piece.

And when everything comes tumbling back to earth, hopefully she'll know how to keep on living, how her life can carry on.

Because right now, everything hurts and she's running in auto-pilot.

...

Her sister calls. It's nothing out of the ordinary, she calls often just to talk.

And they do. For fifteen minutes she pretends everything is okay - that Jed hasn't broken her heart and she isn't this close to breaking down. Because she doesn't want anyone to know - she doesn't want anyone to look down on her because her husband cheated. She doesn't want anyone to know because she is ashamed.

And she doesn't understand it anyway, her head is a mess.

When the call ends, she stares at the wall for a long moment.

Then she cries. A picture of her and Jed, stuck to the fridge they bought together, watches over her, mocking her with what she once held in her hands.

...

She wishes the world would stop turning - wishes things could just stop. Her head hurts. The whole world looks different because she doesn't know what's true and what's not anymore.

Did he ever really love her? Does he still love her - could he after what he had done? Did it matter anyway?

He'd asked her whether, when it was all over - whatever that meant - there were a chance that she could forgive him.

She told him he had to get his priorities straight. He has a son now.

It makes her heart hurt thinking about it. Does he deserve her forgiveness? Should she even consider given him a chance?

Oh god, everything's a mess, because no matter how much she tries she can't erase the feeling of his touch, can't erase the way she feels when he says her name or the way she loves him.

He hurt her and she still loves him.

 _Fuck it all._

...

Her head is screaming leave him behind, get rid of him, he'll just hurt her again and again and she's not an idiot. She always thought that if a man cheated on her, she'd dump him as quick as she could, move on cause he wouldn't be worth it.

But now it's happened, things aren't so clear.

Because she can remember how it felt to kiss him for the first time, all nervous hands and beaming smiles outside the cinema in town. And she can remember how it felt to hold his hand walking down a Spanish beach - how it felt to find his face in the crowd when she got her degree; how it felt when he was waiting outside for her after her first day on shift as a proper qualified nurse.

He was everything to her. Without him, she feels lost, like a ship without its stars or a navigated without a compass.

She feels like everything is suddenly sharper, like she's feeling everything more acutely. Like she's wandered from the dark into the light and she's blinking, blind, in the glare.

She doesn't know who she is anymore and it scares her.

It scares her to hell and back.

...


End file.
